


Past Tense

by gayheroine



Category: Code Name Verity - Elizabeth Wein
Genre: Canon-Compliant, F/F, Fluff, also mild angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:49:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayheroine/pseuds/gayheroine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maddie reflects on her time with Julie and how she discovered a part of herself she never knew was there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past Tense

_ He turned back to Jamie, and spoke in that nudge-nudge-matey tone again as if I couldn't hear, as if I was deaf. "Bit of a dark horse, isn't she, our Kittyhawk? Thought she didn't like men. Ready to go like a stoat with you, though." _

_ Jamie had leaped to my defense then; snarling at Paul like it was his own honor being besmirched. He was good like that. _

_ But although I knew Paul only said it because I had rejected his advances, (Because why ELSE would a maiden ignore come-ons from his  _ handsome  _and_ dashing  _self like that?) I had felt a surge of fear shoot through me as he cast a look over at me, eyes glinting._

  
_I wondered if he had actually figured it out._   


* * *

Maddie started to realize she wasn't like all the other girls the second time Julie kissed her.

The first time they had been under fire at the anti-aircraft gun and Maddie had been...distracted, to say the least. The second time there was only Julie. 

Julie had been telling Maddie about the time she swindled a swindler out twenty pounds ( _"Beat him at his own game," Julie had proudly boasted)_ when she received a call from her superior officer to come to his office for an undisclosed reason.

"Sorry," Julie had said to Maddie, putting her hair back into its orderly chignon. She rose and gave Maddie an apologetic smile. "Sometimes they call me for work even when I'm on break. We'll finish this later, okay?"

Maddie couldn't help but to grin back at Julie. "I  _would_  rather like to hear later what became of that poor man you stole from."  _(I loved every single one of Julie’s stories.)_

“Stole from? Why, I would never!” Julie exclaimed.

Maddie shook her head. "Daft," she said, but a small smile was alight on her features.

Julie gave a small chuckle and dropped the act. “I should really get going. I do have a reputation to uphold. Though, days like today I do wonder why I make the damned effort.”

Maddie sighed. “I know. I just wish we had more dratted time!” she said emphatically. “We barely see each other these days.” Work had been keeping them busier than ever before.

“And that is precisely why we need to spend it as best we can,” Julie said, breaking into a lopsided grin, and Maddie’s lips automatically stretched into a smile in response.

A charged silence fell upon the room. Unspoken feelings settled between the two girls. Maddie felt an odd, fluttering nervousness in the pit of her stomach. She glanced at Julie, who, after a moment, looked back at her. Then, Julie let out a breath and leaned forward. Her lips looked like they were heading toward— _no._

Maddie froze. Her heart beat out a frantic rhythm within her chest. She screwed her eyes shut and a second later, Julie's feather-soft lips were on her cheek.

There was a period of shock. Then, Maddie felt a wave of some emotion rush over her. Her stomach dropped— _relief_ , she thought.

Maddie could barely think.  _(Barely breathe.)_  The only thing she could do was offer Julie a weak smile and say, "Better get going before your officer has your head."

Julie grinned, unfazed. "Even if I was ten minutes late,  _that_ particularofficer wouldn't raise a fuss unless I told him to myself. A bit too sweet on me, he is."

A bitter emotion rose within Maddie at that statement. She never really got used to hearing about Julie’s various conquests. Shoving the bitter feeling out of her mind, Maddie playfully pushed Julie toward the door. "Get out of here, you.”

Julie stumbled forward. She turned around and sunk into a mock bow. "As you wish, my lady.” Maddie's forced smile quickly turned into a real one and she let out a snort of laughter. Julie looked up and grinned at her.

Maddie wished she could freeze that moment forever. Julie grinning at her, mouth stretched as far as she ever saw it go, making the room glow like it hadn’t seconds before. Though that may have just been due to the overwhelming feeling of happiness from her heart.

But everything good comes to an end.

The moment passed. Julie stood up straight and smiled again, her normal closed-mouth smile. “See you later,” Julie said. She spun on her heel and stepped out the door.

Maddie stared at her retreating back.

“See you.”

* * *

             _Our strongest feelings are often the ones we least expect._

  
  


* * *

Maddie noticed a change in herself.

She would catch herself staring at Julie and would immediately flush and look away. But not before she had already admired Julie’s grey eyes, always shining with a different emotion each time Maddie looked ( _crazy in the best way_ ), and the way her whole stance would change when she would get particularly into a role she was playing. Or the way her hair caught the sunlight so perfectly when she would tilt her head ever so slightly. And—oh, God help her—Julie’s  _lips._

“Assistant Section Officer Brodatt!”

Maddie nearly jumped out of her seat. Whipping around, she located the intruder at the entrance to the empty mess hall. Grey eyes looked back at her innocently.

“You silly fool!” Maddie called across the room. “I almost had myself a heart attack!”

Julie, breaking into a lopsided grin, slid into the spot next to Maddie. Her scent—a heady honeysuckle—made Maddie’s head spin. “It did work in getting your attention.”

Maddie’s heart fluttered and she opened her mouth to respond, but couldn’t think of anything ( _only Julie, Julie, Julie_ ). So she closed it.

Had Julie been there before she called out to Maddie? Had Julie been watching her?

“Cat’s got your tongue today?”

Julie was looking at her. Maddie could see the thinly-veiled concern in her eyes. “I’m just tired. You know how it is.”

Her best friend rose one slender eyebrow at her. “You’ve been acting like I stole your favorite plane and made off with it for weeks now. Don’t pretend you’re just tired, dear Maddie. I’ve done enough acting to know it when I see it.”

Maddie bit her lip. Julie was being serious. A rare occurrence.

She was going to go after the truth and wouldn’t stop until she got it. Unfortunately, Maddie was most  _definitely_ not ready to tell her why she had been acting oddly the past few weeks.

“Julie,” Maddie started. “I…” she trailed off.

She looked down at the ground.  _How am I supposed to pull this off?_

  
  


Out of nowhere, Maddie felt a light pressure around her waist. Julie had slipped an arm around her. She drew Maddie into a sideways hug.

(It was at times like this that Maddie wondered how she was lucky enough to have Julie as a best friend.)

Maddie felt the tension from a few seconds before leak out of her body. She let her head rest in the crook of Julie’s neck, Julie’s honeysuckle scent completely enveloping Maddie. She felt Julie bring one of her hands up to place it on the side of her head. She also felt Julie’s other arm holding her tightly around the waist, anchoring her to the ground. (She felt she could float away at any second.) Maddie sensed every single breath Julie took and every movement she made. She was so acutely aware of everything  _Julie_ in that moment. She let out a shaky breath.

Julie’s hold on Maddie was firm but tender. "Everything is going to turn out well," she said.

  
  


  
_(What I would give right now for her to be right.)_   


  
  


 Maddie felt as well as heard Julie's words and a wave of warmth raced through her. "Whatever is bothering you isn't going to beat you, Maddie. You fly too high for anything to drag you down."

Sudden, hot emotion flooded Maddie at that, surprising her, and she felt a pressure building up in her throat. She swallowed it down. "Yeah, but you know what they say about those who fly too close to the sun."

“Silly,” Julie said, a fond smile gracing her lips. “You are the sun."

Maddie didn’t think so. She felt more like the moon in comparison to Julie’s sun.

  
"I know you don’t think it of yourself,” Julie began. Maddie stifled a smile at that. Julie really did know her too well. “But that's what you are to me."

There was a period in which Maddie was uncomprehending. What did Julie mean? Why did Julie say what she said? Why  _now_?

What Julie basically said,  _“You’re my sun,”_  was exactly what Maddie had thought about Julie, except Julie reversed it. Returned it.

If Julie returned that thought, did she return a similar feeling?

She looked at Julie and her heart skipped a beat.

Julie's eyes glowed with emotion. An emotion that Maddie previously could not identify.

When she looked at Julie, she finally saw.

Julie had been waiting the whole time Maddie had been thinking.Maddie brought her fingers up to rest on the side of Julie's face. Julie ever-so-slightly leaned into her fingers, but her mouth twitched upwards as she did so, even if she managed to keep a straight face.

Maddie wanted what she saw to be true so badly. And yet she couldn't help but doubt.

Maddie withdrew her hand from Julie's face and assumed a much more...platonic distance from Julie's face. "Do you really mean this?" she made a motion between the two of them. "Because I know you like to mess around with the pilots—“ Maddie broke off and swallowed, her mouth dry. “—and you live for the type of game that you play with them and that you seem like you're playing with me now.”  _And it would hurt too much because I love you._ Maddie didn’t say that part.

  
Julie let out a peal of laughter that filled the empty lunchroom and made Maddie's heart jump in spite of itself. "Oh, Maddie. Maddie, Maddie, Maddie. My wonderful and amazing Maddie." Julie took Maddie's hands into her own. She gazed deep into Maddie's eyes, and Maddie saw nothing but sincerity there. "There is absolutely no way I mean everything I say and do right now with anything less than the whole of my heart."

Julie had gradually gotten closer and closer to Maddie, who closed her eyes and felt Julie's breath ghosting over her face, heart pounding in her chest.

"You silly fool," Julie whispered. "I love you too much to do that."

For Maddie, time slowed down. She was acutely aware of everything around her--from the warm air of the mess hall to the hard seat of the bench beneath her.

And then Maddie felt the gentle brush of Julie's lips on hers and everything else faded away.

  Julie's lips were soft and gentle as they moved against hers. In a daze, Maddie felt Julie bring up one of her hands up to cup Maddie's face tenderly.

That's when Maddie knew Julie was telling the truth.

The feeling that had been building up in Maddie for the past months burst in her chest. Maddie felt a warm feeling swelling throughout her whole body. Her heart felt full--fuller than it had ever been before.

This is what Maddie wanted. Julie is what Maddie wanted and she'd be damned if she let her doubts and fears get in the way of that.

Maddie came to life, covering Julie’s hand on her face with her own. She brought her remaining arm settle around the back of Julie’s neck, bringing them impossibly closer.  Their lips moved together in tandem.

Sometimes she forgot how Julie was just so small. But with Julie pressed up so close to her, she couldn't possibly forget. It made her want to keep holding her and keep kissing her until eternity faded.

Maddie didn't know how much time passed after that. But eventually, Julie broke the kiss.

Maddie let out a whimper as Julie pulled away from her lips. With a grin, Julie rested her forehead on Maddie's.

"You look so dratted smug right now," Maddie said after a small silence. But she knew she wouldn't look away from Julie's grin for the world.

Julie's smile grew even wider. "I've been wanting to do that for a while."

Maddie wanted to shout for joy, to cry, to laugh. She settled for saying, "Seriously? Did you plan this?"

"Careless talk costs lives, you know."

Maddie groaned. "And all this time I thought we had been operating on my terms."

"Maybe later," Julie said. Her eyes sparkled mischievously. "Definitely later."

A jolt of excitement came at those words and Maddie could feel her pulse speed up. "Or maybe it could be right now," Maddie said.

"I don't have work for the rest of tonight."

"Then let's get out of here," Maddie said.

"Let's," Julie said.

An answering smile sprung unbidden to Maddie's lips.

Julie made her smile more than anyone else in her life, and that was quite remarkable indeed.

"I love you too much as well."

Julie turned around from where she was ahead of Maddie, raising an eyebrow. "Pardon?"

"What you said before, about loving me too much to lead me on. I do too."

Julie smiled. It was softer around the edges than her usual smile. "I know," she said.

With Julie, everything was so simple. As Maddie walked next to Julie that day, she knew it wouldn't always be this easy.

  
Yet it didn't matter, since Julie was alive and they were in love and Maddie was  _damned_  if she would let worries of the future  _(Guns. Bombs. Parachute drops over a dark city in France.)_ interrupt their present.

* * *

_Julie, my daft chameleon, my braver other half. What have they done with you?_


End file.
